I know this
topic is going to upset some people but we need to discuss the obligations of
the guests once they receive a wedding invitations. Most brides, mothers of the
rides, wedding planners, caterers or anyone involved in a wedding will tell you
there has been a serious breakdown in the appropriate etiquette of the
invitee's role in a wedding. So hang on, after extensive research, I am going
to set the record straight.
1. When
you receive a wedding invitation, you are obligated to follow the proper etiquette
of a wedding guest, whether you attend the wedding or stay home.
2. Within
one week of receiving a wedding invitation, you are to RSVP. This means
you!!!! Sit down and put pen to paper. Typically, the bride includes a response
card in the invitation with a stamp. Walk the response card to the mailbox and
stick it in.
A clear 40
percent of wedding invitations go unanswered. Shameful, And we aren't talking
about strictly young people. All generations are part of that percentage.
We sent Save
the Dates to most of the invitees... so the wedding invitation wasn't a
surprise.
The poor
mother of the bride has to make the embarrassing email, phone call or worse Facebook
message to find out if dear friends and even relatives are coming to her
daughter's wedding.
3. If you
have RSVPed to a wedding and find you are unable to attend, you are responsible
to let the bride's mother know as soon as possible by telephone or note
card. You also need to explain your absence.
4. It is
unacceptable to skip the wedding ceremony and simply attend the reception.
The ceremony is the reason you are invited. Don't be tacky.
5. Once
you are sent a wedding invitation, you are obligated to give a wedding gift. A
wedding announcement does not require the obligatory wedding gift but the invitation
does require a gift but you should send a card or note to congratulate the
couple.
6. If you are
invited to a wedding, you may be invited to a bridal shower. Again, RSVP to
the shower invitation. If you attend a bridal shower, you are obligated to
bring a small gift, 25 to 50 dollars. If you do not attend the bridal shower,
you are not obligated to bring a gift. We had people that attended bridal
showers and never brought a gift. While the guests are fun to spend time with,
the purpose of the bridal shower is to shower the bride with love and gifts.
7. A
bridal shower gift is not in place of the wedding gift. Clearly these are
two seperate events. Do not confuse the two.
8. There
is a popular misconception that you have one year to give the newlyweds a
wedding gift. Not true. You have two months to give the gift. Proper
wedding ettiquette would have you send the gift to the bride or the bride's
mother ahead of the ceremony.... I will get to this point next.
9. Do not
bring your wedding gift to the ceremony. Send it or drop it off ahead of
time. The poor mother of the bride has to gather all the presents at the end of
the ceremony or the end of the reception.
10. If you
are an out of town guest, you are responsible for your own accommodations.
Now the bride will help by blocking rooms at local hotels and negotiate a lower
group rate, but you are responsible to find your own rooms.
11. Arrive
at the ceremony, fifteen minutes before the beginning of the ceremony. The
bride wants to make a grand entrance and a late guest will make this more
stressful.
12. Do not
take pictures during the wedding ceremony. The ceremony is a special time
between the couple and typically, making a covenant to each other either before
their Lord or whatever. The sound of cameras detracts from the solemnest of this
special time. Trust me, the bride has paid enough for a wedding photographer.
She does not need your cell phone pictures.
13. Send
the mother of the bride a note about the highlights of the ceremony. I have
never done this step before but I will from now on. As a newly minted wedding
veteran, any note after my daughter's wedding would have been greatly
appreciated. Most weddings take a year to plan and the mother wants to know
that the guests felt the effort the families, bride and groom took to plan this
special event.
Okay, if you
happened to make it through all my research , the sources are Amy Vanderbilt
and Emily Post.
Most people
think they know etiquette but few people actually look in the book to do the
research. Well, if you are invited to a wedding... make sure you refer to this
post... and you will be the perfect wedding guest.
good points...
ReplyDeleteGreat tips Cynthia! I am appalled at peoples manners!!!! Especially at something so momentous as a wedding!
ReplyDeleteI was at my nieces wedding a couple of weeks ago and one of the guest came so flamboyantly dressed that HE actually upstaged the wedding party. It was horrid and in such poor taste!
What an honor is is to be invited to the most special day in someone's life!
One thing we drilled into our children's heads is that they were to always be in the parking lot of the church 20 minutes before the service!
My other issue is with people critiquing the wedding. For heavens sake, as an invited guest we should all be there to uplift and support the dear bride and groom.Nothing but kind words! If one does not like something let "FOREVER HOLD THEIR PEACE!
As you can tell, I have a whole lot to say about weddings and guests behavior!!! Sadly, many people's manners are so lacking! I've been to 20 weddings in the last 3 years( all of my children's friends are in that marrying age group) and I have seen some behavior that would make their mama's cry!
Great tips!!!!
Yvonne
Hi Cynthia, I absolutely agree with you on most of your points here. Sadly, etiquette in general has seen a significant decline. While I witness breaches of etiquette in all generations, I do see them a lot more in people around my age (20s). Is it that our parents were too busy and stressed to teach us? I know that my mother worked to instill a sense of etiquette in me and my sister, and I am so grateful to her for that. I feel that following simple manners, like "Don't clink your spoon against the cup when you stir tea or coffee," or "Never sip from the stir stick," or "Never take the wedding gift to the ceremony," make one's life a little sweeter, a little more graceful.
ReplyDeleteI'd like to ask a question in regard to your assertion that if you are invited to the wedding, you are obliged to send a gift. I have noticed that in a quest to collect an abundance of gifts, people seem to be inviting everyone they can think of to their weddings. I think this in itself is a breach of etiquette. A wedding is not an opportunity to be greedy, but a time to share a special moment with SPECIAL people in your life. I have seen coworkers tack a wedding invitation on a bulletin board, essentially an open invitation--in this instance, am I obliged to send a gift? What if that coworker works across the hall and has only spoken three words to me in four years?
I once received a wedding invitation from a friend of a friend whom I had met only once. It struck me immediately as fishing for gifts. Do you think I should have sent a gift in that situation?
I have also heard from a few recent brides that they invited people they they knew wouldn't come to the wedding, and that they didn't care about seeing, but from whom they counted on receiving a gift. Essentially, they admitted to inviting some individuals just to receive a gift!
I think that you're right that sending a gift after receiving a wedding invitation is the polite and proper thing to do. However, I would also hope that the bride and groom and their parents would make an appropriate guest list and only invite those who have a true connection to the couple or their families. Sadly, I think that in this age of greed and consumerism, wedding guest lists are starting to include everyone from the plumber to the mail carrier.
Do you think that the same rule applies no matter the connection to the guest?
Johanna, gift fishing was my first thought too! I only send gifts to those who have a special place in my life, or whose wedding I intend to attend. I live in a place where gift fishing is, sadly, very common. I send only a card to obvious fishers.
ReplyDelete